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You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program |  | Author: Suzette Haden Elgin
Publisher: Wiley
Category: Book
List Price: $18.95
Buy Used: $1.91
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New (34) Used (38) from $1.91
Seller: queenofbargains
Rating:  35 reviews
Sales Rank: 19211
Media: Paperback
Edition: 1
Pages: 224
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.7
Dimensions (in): 8.8 x 5.9 x 0.7
ISBN: 0471003999
Dewey Decimal Number: 153.6
EAN: 9780471003991
ASIN: 0471003999
Publication Date: February 16, 1995
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
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Product Description
You can't say that to me! "Can't you do anything right?" "I can't believe you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? And don't tell me it's a casserole, I already know that." "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't behave this way." Sound familiar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of very unpleasant language from those who are closest to us—spouses, employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use of unanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm, insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant; it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalating arguments and physical violence. Suzette Haden Elgin, creator of the "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," has developed a unique and revolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence and eliminate it from your life—without ruining your marriage, risking your job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows you how to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future abuse with:- An 8-step program that helps you recognize the patterns of verbal abuse
- Specific language techniques that enable you to avoid escalating arguments and break the cycle of abuse using skills you already possess
- Questionnaires and diaries that help you analyze abusive situations, evaluate your responses to them, and track your progress
In this book Dr. Elgin proves that verbal abuse is not caused by human nature, but by language. She helps you discover that you are an expert in your own language, already highly qualified to solve this problem for yourself, quickly and forever.
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| Customer Reviews:
Showing reviews 1-5 of 35
 You can't say that to me! April 22, 2009
Jill Vangundy
0 out of 2 found this review helpful
I've learned a lot from this book. Things that have helped me in my everyday life.
 Verbal Defense is a Good Place to Start November 24, 2008
Amy A. Christensen (Chicago, IL United States)
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
Elgin's book brought tears to my eyes as I recognized myself in the examples provided in her book. What I liked best about this book is that I began to see that my relationship with my former husband was not my only instance of horrific verbal abuse. It forced me to admit to myself that all of my intimate relationships with men have been verbally abusive; and I came to recognize that verbal violence was a part of my regular communication with my siblings and my mother. What could this mean? I began to see that I was in fact the common denominator. This is not to say that I deserve verbal abuse or that it is my fault. The only coping skills I knew were to fall into my verbal abusers traps by pleading and debating. Not to mention the emotional aftermath of feeling like a worthless human being. Elgin provided me with an excellent selection of new verbal strategies. While it would be great if these verbal skills have an effect on the abusers in my life the real victory is that I will now have more control over how I react to the verbal abuse. I will now no longer be reduced to a mewling child begging for forgiveness for the rainy weather that somehow was my fault. What I struggled with was Elgin's implication that these systems are infallible. I think that presentation is dangerously flawed. Part of my abuse cycle is that my abusers had me convinced that my love was the most important thing in their world. I would therefore forgive them, believe them and accept their abuse because I felt responsible for loving them. "He loves me," I would think, "underneath it all he is a good person and he needs me." Therefore I endured these relationships and repeated my abuse cycle. Elgin unfortunately gave strength to that misconception. As I stated, I cried from this book because my first thoughts were ones of guilt: "If only I had this book sooner; I could have saved my marriage!" But I do know that even Elgin could not have helped me there. The truth is you cannot change another person with your own actions. You only have control of your own self. An abuser must ultimately accept responsibility for the pain that they cause. I do understand that the abuser inflicts pain to mask their own, but I know very few abusers who are willing to face their demons and change. I am excited to try her techniques in my life and begin empowering myself. However, abuse of any kind I will not tolerate anymore. In my situation, divorce was my only option. Sometimes the only way to end the abuse is to say goodbye. I wish Elgin had addressed that issue.
 Elgin agrees with my very favorite book of advice.... October 10, 2008
Trish (USA)
1 out of 3 found this review helpful
I became a fan of Elgin's after reading "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense." I needed that not just because of abusive people in my life, but because I had picked up some verbally abusive patterns myself. I read the reviews for Patricia Evans' books and right or wrong it seemed there was at times a lot of anger projected, however understandably. Apparently her books helped some folks very much and that is good. But my favorite Source of advice says: "Do not exchange insult for insult or [what it seems to me was in some of the reviews] rancor for rancor." "Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good." "Treat all persons [this means even abusers - though one can respectfully leave them if necessary!] with respect." This means we know we are entitled to be treated with respect too! "A gentle answer turns away wrath." "In all things, love." If it's not obvious, those quotes are from Scriptures. My humble opinion, if the advice in Elgin's book, and prayer, don't work for a particular person, then okay leave him or her before they hurt you more. This would be even more essential if children are involved, because they should not witness, and possibly learn, or experience the abusive treatment themselves. However, if the lost cause abusers are in your family or work place and you can't get away, distance yourself from them emotionally and physically as much as possible. "Do not make friends with an angry person lest you become ensnared in his ways." "Anger resides in the lap of fools." "He who controls his temper is mightier than one who conquers a city."
accessible, easy to apply in life September 3, 2008
Chispa says (California)
3 out of 3 found this review helpful
I ordered this book because it interested me when it was listed in the "people who order this book also recommend. . ." category when I bought another book on verbal abuse "Your Perfect Right". I read and use books often as a means of learning new information and skills and found "You Can't Say That to Me" to provide good information and an accessible means of using this information instantly in situations involving verbal abuse. Other reviewers have criticized the author's view of verbal abusers as just another means of communicating (rather than as "the bad guys") and have disliked the obvious stories used to illustrate her information points. I can see where such criticisms arise, but the author is very clear about categorizing abusers using "styles of speech" from a linguistic perspective and including the category of people who are verbally abusive because they are "psychologically disturbed". This helped me identify times when I think I'm am being slammed, but it is more a matter of communication styles and the interactions of our different styles, and times when I am dealing with someone who habitually uses verbal abuse as a means of domination, or building up themselves by putting down others. I think this book is extremely useful for people who are not tortured by chronic verbal abuse situations and an inability to defend themselves, but have times when they feel put down harshly but are not certain of the intent, nor how to respond without being self-defensive or abusive themselves. Her approach using knowledge of linguistics was not at all academically dense (as is "Your Perfect Right") and I found myself able to use the methods of analysis and response in real life as I was reading the book. Yes, many of her story examples are fairly simplistic, but this is not to over-simplify real life events, but to provide clarity about the information she is providing. It really is comforting to be able to think to myself "Yes, this person has their own problem and enjoys/benefits from abusing, demeaning, me - or - well, I can see how it came about that I felt put-down in the communication with this person because we were using conflicted styles of expression that fed on each other."
Also, when I read the list of other books by this author, I found that she also has written one of my favorite scifi/fantasy genre novel series "Native Tongue". This gave me a greater understanding of the author and how she views people and their linguistic styles. Although, the information in this book is easily understood and used by someone who doesn't really understand what linguistics is all about.
I would have put a fifth star on my review if the book also had provided more information on dealing with people who use language to purposefully demean and diminish me as a means of raising their own value. But, this is a big subject with many different aspects than the type of verbal abuse dealt with in this particular book. So, I will check out other books by Elgin to see if one is more focused on how to deal with abuse from people who really are trying to hurt me, and succeeding.
Good Advice June 2, 2008
Cindy Fox
3 out of 3 found this review helpful
I really enjoy all of her books, although the repetitiveness is a bit annoying. This one has more new information in it than the others.
Showing reviews 1-5 of 35
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